Rearranged
I walk a different path now, far more difficult, but with a beauty all its own.
My student lodging at Christ Church, Oxford, was just steps from its lovely meadow. July 2023
“Loss was like that…you didn’t just lose a loved one. You lost your heart, your memories, your laughter, your brain, and it even took your bones. Eventually it all came back, but different. Rearranged.” – Louise Penny
For those who have noticed there was no post today, I wanted to add a brief explanation. Jeff died seven years ago today, and the month of October 2016 had only four posts, published weekly. So the remainder of the month there will be only three posts, published on Tuesdays. I resumed the twice-weekly postings on November 7, 2016, following a two week break with no posts. I will continue to republish the posts from seven years ago, as I have been doing.
I knew there would be gaps in regular schedule of the posts published in the weeks immediately following Jeff’s death. At first I thought I might be able to write new posts to fill in the gaps. But my time has been even more limited than ever before, as life continues to send crisis after crisis that I must manage with little to no help. On a more positive note, I have now begun my formal diploma program at Oxford and the work is unrelenting, but well worth it so far. As with so much else in life, there are trade-offs involved. Though my prayers for wisdom continue unceasingly, I trust I’ve made the right choices for this point in my life.
As Penny says, I’m different now. Most of what made up the world I once knew has gone, in one way or another, and it is inevitable that I would change as a result. “It all comes back,” or at least most of it. But it’s altered in ways that will never be undone. I have come to believe that this painful and eye-opening adjustment has been a healthy transition, despite the sorrow and loss of faith in so much that I once trusted fully. God has been here from the beginning, and will be with me to the end.
To those who have remained here all these years, especially those who reach out with personal messages or comments, please know that your friendship means more than ever. And to those who are new to the blog, you will always be welcome here. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed. Thank you for your understanding of my long delays in being able to answer the comments. I’ll get to those that are awaiting moderation as soon as I can.
I still believe that the effort to defeat despair is worthwhile, and I fully intend to keep at it. I hope you’ll join me!
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- Tagged: bereavement, change, color, creativity, death, faith, growth, hope, illusions, loss, perseverance, routine, survival, transformation, trendy, true, unique
Defeat Despair 
Julia,
I’m sure this day was a little difficult, and I pray for your continued peace, positive outlook and desire for wisdom. When I read the book of Job, I can’t begin to understand the tragedy he suffered. It’s overwhelming. Likewise, I can’t imagine the path you’ve travelled the last seven plus years. To your credit, you’ve shown remarkable resilience and given your readers treasured insight into keeping despair in check. Most importantly, you’ve endured this “painful and eye-opening adjustment” to your life with the One friend who is always by your side. Our Lord will never leave you, and will continue to enable you to defeat despair. Blessings to you and Matt.
Thank you, Chris, for the words of encouragement, and especially for the prayers and continued presence here. I truly appreciate it!
Julia, my heart goes out to you. You are much loved by all your followers. Although at sometime in all of our lives, we will all experience this loss and transition. Love, Ron
Thank you, Ron, for your kind and encouraging words. You are right, we all must endure these losses as part of the price for staying alive. I’m just enduring some of the losses earlier than my peers. I’ve often reminded myself that someday, those who don’t understand now, inevitably will. Being a survivor is a mixed blessing, but it’s one I would gladly choose over the alternative. Thanks for being here!
I am always here……
Love, Ron
Thank you, Ron. It means more than I can say. ❤
Good morning, Julia!
I’m thankful to read this post and know that you’re pursuing your Oxford studies.
I am curious how your laughter has come back, or is coming back, differently.
I’m praying for you and Matt.
Hmm, great question. For one thing, I don’t laugh nearly as often as I once did, or as I should. I try to make time for it whenever I can, but time is my most scarce commodity right now. I would guess that my sense of humor– what strikes me as funny– has skewed somewhat, but perhaps not in the way that one would expect. For example, Jim Gaffigan’s recent video Dark Pale had a lot of jokes about death and funerals, and I found them pretty hilarious.
Hugs and prayers for you always but especially during this month. December is my month of sadness and new beginnings as I lost both parents. And Doug’s sickness that started 25 years ago. God got us through it and gave us adjustments and new beginnings! As always, I enjoy your wonderful blogs!
Thank you, Connie. December can be such a hard time for those who are missing loved ones. I’m so happy you are here with us! I need to update you as soon as I get time to do it, but meanwhile, thanks so much for the hugs and prayers — sending mine to you also. ❤