The most perfect refreshment
Not England, but close enough: at the Montréal Botanical Garden, May 2009
“To sit in the shade on a fine day and look upon verdure is the most perfect refreshment.” — Jane Austen
I have been so happy to see Jane Austen finally getting the attention she always deserved. When I was a young mother, I loaned a copy of Pride and Prejudice to our teenage babysitter, along with an enthusiastic endorsement, and she seemed to think me naïve to assume she would read it. Please give it a chance, I thought. Apparently, quite a few people of all ages have done just that in the past two decades, generating a cottage industry of Jane-related fan fiction and movies.
On this hot summer day, I wish you a virtual retreat to a cool English meadow where you can relax in the shade, perhaps with a glass of iced tea or club soda spiked with fruit juice, and take in the green. If you have a similar setting nearby, I hope you can make time for an actual visit, not just a virtual one. In any case, this is the time of year when such perfect refreshment is just the thing to beat the heat. Pass the scones!
Something absolutely new
Drew on the day he was born, March 1984
“The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new.” — Rajneesh (Osho)
As most readers know, I normally schedule these posts well in advance, usually by about two weeks. However, today I am making an exception and preempting tomorrow’s scheduled post in favor of this one, which I’m writing as I sit in the waiting room of the hospital where I am awaiting the birth of our first grandchild. He is to be a son, as was our first child, whose newborn baby picture appears above.
As a disclaimer: I’m no fan of the teachings of Rajneesh (also known as Osho, whom I’ve quoted before). While he had some ideas to which I take strong exception, he also had quite a way with words. And perhaps no quote I’ve seen recently more accurately captures the experience of becoming a parent (I think the father is also something absolutely new).
Babies change their parents as nothing else can. The formerly carefree will experience anxiety at levels previously unknown — as will the already anxious. Those who were impatient are about to be immersed in the grueling curriculum of the School of Learning to Put Up with Stuff. And those who were happy before are about to forget how they could have possibly been content (or busy) without these new creatures who suddenly take up most of the real estate inside their hearts and minds.
If things go as planned, by the time you read this, I’ll have experienced being a grandparent for the first time. I’m told it’s the real payoff for all those years of diapers, delights, disputes and departures. What do you think? Those of you who are grandparents, share your best advice with us in the comments below!
He always stays
Marlee channels Jack Benny, March 2008
“A good dog never dies. He always stays. He walks besides you on crisp autumn days when frost is on the fields and winter’s drawing near.” — Mary Carolyn Davies
However else I remember 2013, I will remember it as the year of saying goodbye to dogs. Within a few weeks of the day we lost our four-legged family member, Pasha, three others who are dear to me grieved parting with beloved canine companions of many years. One of these unforgettable dogs, Sir Marlee (Marlee to his friends) is pictured above.
Marlee was born on this day seventeen years ago. Like most dogs, he was typically canine, yet also unique. He provided joy, comfort, and a stabilizing presence of love to his family through many years of medical crises and uncertainty, along with the countless joys and sorrows of everyday life. In these ways, he was no different from other dogs. But I will always remember him for bringing me laughter through a quirky characteristic he shared with a comedian whom readers “of a certain age” will remember: Jack Benny.
If you watched Jack Benny very much, you know that he could provoke laughter simply by turning his head in reaction to what his fellow performers said or did. It’s the sort of thing that’s hard to describe until you see it. This dated and politically incorrect but hilarious clip will give you an idea of what I’m referring to, in case you don’t remember.
The first time I met Marlee his demeanor was familiar to me, but it took me awhile to figure out why. Marlee was a laid back, low-key type of dog whose adopted younger doggy brother, Max, was anything but. When the antics of Max or nearby humans would get a bit ridiculous, Marlee would heave a sigh and turn his head, a weary look in his eyes. I told Marlee’s mom he reminded me of Jack Benny, and she knew immediately why I said that. It became a private joke to us, and even today, when Marlee is no longer on this earth, we are able to laugh when things get absurd by imagining Marlee looking on, turning his head. Marlee will always be with us, lightening even the most frustrating situations when we remember his comical resignation.
Among the precious gifts our pets give are abundant occasions to laugh. What are some of the funniest traits of your pets, past and present? I hope you will share some funny or touching memories of your animal companions, whose gifts live on even after they leave us.
Our ordinary days
A golden summer moment at Amy’s home in Winnweiler, Germany, August 2005
“Summer weather, like being in love, is a philosopher’s stone which turns our ordinary days to gold. But not the whole day… For it is never the whole day, never all our life which is transformed in any happiness, but only the exquisite moments.”
— Nan Fairbrother
More than any other season, summer seems to promise more than it can deliver. We exit springtime with all sorts of ambitious notions about what we’ll do, see and accomplish during the long hours of sunlight. We’ll have time for fun reading. Picnics and maybe trips to the beach. Tending the lawn or garden; maybe growing tomatoes? Getting that garage or closet cleaned out, once and for all. Perhaps some lazy mornings sleeping in.
As July draws to a close, most of us look back on the past eight weeks with amazement, wondering where it went and what became of our plans. The delightful warmth of early June has become the sweltering heat of August, our petunias are beginning to fade or grow leggy, and the back-to-school advertisements catch us off guard. Already?! But it feels as if summer just began…
Despite its ephemeral presence, summer almost always leaves us a new cache of memories to keep and treasure. Such fleeting moments are fitting symbols of the summer itself, which shares their brevity. As the summer begins to wane, I hope you can look back and find some exquisite moments to remember, when the magic of summer’s alchemy turned the ordinary to gold. If you have none so far, you have a few weeks left to discover some. Happy treasure hunting!
You will flow
Swans go with the flow at the Palace of Fine Arts, San Francisco, July 2003
“As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.” — author unknown; attributed to Emmanuel Tanay
Among the most ultimately comforting but persistently difficult teachings of Jesus are his words in Matthew 6:25-34, where he warns us against worry, saying “take no thought for tomorrow.” Really? When I read these words I find myself saying “Yes, but…”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean to be irresponsible.” (No, it doesn’t, but there is a difference between being responsible and feeling a compulsive need to control everything as much as possible.) “Yes, but he wasn’t speaking literally.” (He wasn’t? Did he really mean “You should only worry a little bit” or “You should only worry about REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS?”) “Yes, but things were very different in those days.” (And I’m guessing there was even more to worry about then…food, clothing, survival, all the things mentioned in the full context of what Jesus said.)
It really is possible to live a sane, wise and responsible life without excessive worry about the future, but our culture does not promote that kind of mental framework. Advertisers seek to sell us everything from clothes to cars to insurance by playing to our worst fears and insecurities. The news media bombard us continually with stories designed primarily to catch and keep our attention by making us afraid of what we might miss. Financial advisers have created an advice industry geared toward teaching us to find security in money. Health care providers coach us to stay current on diagnostic screening. On and on it goes.
I am working on learning to do what I can, and then let go of the outcome. It’s a difficult process, but unfortunately (or fortunately?) life has a way of prying our fingers loose from anything we hold too tightly. When I get most agitated and tense, it really does help to take a few deep breaths and imagine something peaceful, such as a gently flowing brook, or the graceful gliding of a swan in the water. There are times when it becomes all too obvious that we have no choice but to “go with the flow” of life, one day at a time. I hope your day will flow peacefully today!
A vision that stays
Another unsuccessful attempt to capture the indescribable: Muir Woods, May 2003
“The redwoods, once seen, leave a mark or create a vision that stays with you always. No one has ever successfully painted or photographed a redwood tree. The feeling they produce is not transferable. From them comes silence and awe…they are ambassadors from another time.” — John Steinbeck
It really is impossible to capture a forest of redwoods in a photograph, and not just because they are far too tall for even the widest angle. Walking through a redwood grove is a multi-sensory experience that permeates the soul. As many times as I visited Muir Woods, I never felt ready to leave. I always left later than I intended to, promising myself another visit as soon as I could get back. Now that I live on the east coast, I can only visit in my memory, but Steinbeck is right: the vision stays.
What are some of the places you carry inside your heart?
Carry your childhood with you
Carla, Al, Julia, Eric and Kitt Katt, Sunday morning, circa 1966
“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.” — Tom Stoppard
Here it is: photographic evidence that a lot of things about me haven’t changed in nearly half a century. I still love cats. I still love yellow. I still wear my hair in a bun often (no wisecracks about librarians here). And the camera, well, need I say more?
This photo was taken just before we left for church (that’s the only time we were all dressed up) and I’m amused to recall how my parents let me wear and use that cheap plastic camera everywhere I went. Back in those days, not many kids were taking photos of any kind. I just wish my old black and white negatives were not lost in the decades that followed.
I’m guessing that you, too, carry many things from childhood inside you. For almost all of us, it’s a mixed bag, but I agree with Stoppard that if we stay in touch with all that was best about being a child, we never really grow older.
What happy traits and images do you carry with you from childhood? I hope you will visit with your inner child often. For some, the inner child is a pop psychology construct, useful for analysis or recovery, but otherwise disdained. For me, though, my inner child is a muse, reminding me of all the best lessons I learned early, filled with uncontaminated wonder at a world that seems one part intrigue and two parts promise.
If the weather is good where you are, go out and play for awhile! If it’s rainy, stay indoors and play. In the immortal words of the Cat in the Hat, “your mother will not mind at all.” 😉
Pay attention
I paid close attention to this lovely bloom at the Conservatory of Flowers
Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, October 2003
“Choice of attention, to pay attention to this and ignore that, is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer.” – W. H. Auden
Auden captures a truth here that has always been evident to me, yet remains elusive in the ongoing rush of life. When one is distractible or detail-oriented, the proclivity to have mindful awareness hijacked by the noisy or urgent is even stronger, and the need to discipline one’s thoughts becomes crucial to sanity and survival.
I’ve found that it helps to deliberately seek out the beautiful, interesting or joyful. Life is astoundingly abundant with gifts that are easy to ignore. When I start looking for them, blessings are evident everywhere.
Today, I hope you will go on a sort of “scavenger hunt” in whatever place you find yourself: search out what is lovely, happy or fun, but easily overlooked. Take a few mental (or digital) photos. If you like, share your observations here, but most importantly, file them away in your joy bank, to be withdrawn as needed in times of negative emotional cash flow.
A full expression
Kathy and I photograph each other near Parliament Square, London, springtime 2001.
“A great photograph is a full expression of what one feels about what is being photographed in the deepest sense, and is, thereby, a true expression of what one feels about life in its entirety.” — Ansel Adams
This photograph of my friend Kathy, taking photos of me taking photos of her, is not a great photograph from a technical standpoint. It’s a poorly scanned (and here, cropped) digitization of what was originally a Kodachrome transparency. Because it was a typically cloudy, low-light day in London, the depth of field is shallow, resulting in a much better focus on the flowers than on Kathy or the buildings of Parliament Square.
But it’s one of my favorite photos, and meets the definition of “great” as described by Adams, who is perhaps the best known photographer of all time. This photo captures so much that I love about Kathy, especially my happy memories of her joy of taking pictures, which has made her an ideal companion for me on so many ramblings in various cities. She does not grow impatient with my desire to catch just one more angle, one last shot. More than any other person I know, she has my love of photography, and is a diligent archivist of the beauty of everyday life.
What do you love best about your friends? Try to capture that essence in a photograph sometime. For all of the beautiful scenery I’ve been blessed to see and photograph, my very favorite shots are those of loved ones in which their unique personalities shine through. Years later, these photographs are a priceless treasure that never fails to bring a smile to my face. I hope your own treasure chest is filled with many such invaluable delights.
Hope is at the root
Drew, Jeff, Matt and I enjoy the view from the Reagan Library, July 2004
“Hope is at the root of all the great ideas and causes that have bettered the lot of humankind across the centuries.” — Ronald Reagan
Touring the beautiful grounds of the Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California, it isn’t hard to understand why he was such an optimist. There’s something about California that always inspired hope in me, too. As a state, California is younger, wilder (in more ways than one) and seemingly boundless; the sky there feels as wide as the Pacific Ocean that stretches along the coast.
While California has some natural advantages other states may lack, I’ve found that all places have their own unique spots of serenity and calm beauty. At times, I have to escape to some of these places to keep my optimism from being dashed to pieces by the turbulence of everyday life. Hope is what carries us through the difficult times, and ignites our desire to take action and make things better in some way. It really does lie at the root of all progress.
It’s easy to look back at times of positive change and forget how dubious or frightening they seemed at the time. It’s equally easy to be cynical and complain endlessly about what we see in the present. While there is a vital place for criticism and correction, there is also much to be thankful for in any era, and there are always opportunities for improvements, large and small. When the overscheduled days, grinding traffic or televised histrionics get you down, try escaping to a place that will help you re-connect with hope.
An enchanted hour
My friend Darla’s porch, seen here in May 2013, is a favorite spot.
It’s always decorated for the season, including a big Christmas tree in December!
“An enchanted hour was filched from the hereafter and tossed into the lap of the present, as a foretaste of what is to come…A mystic world, into which we step as soon as we cross the threshold of the porch.” — Ethelind Fearon (1946)
I don’t know why I have such a love of porches. Perhaps it’s because of the screened porch of my childhood home, where we spent many happy hours eating watermelon and chatting. Its metallic roof made such a wonderfully cozy sound during summer rains.
Or maybe it’s the mysteriously appealing “sleeping porch” of my Granny’s old house, the home where she was born sometime before 1900, and in which my father was also born. That “sleeping porch,” which was actually more of a spare bedroom, seemed to be full of delightfully exotic trinkets from the past. Large screened windows that looked out on the back lawn ran the length of the walls.
Or maybe it’s the swing on the front porch of the home where Jeff grew up in rural Tennessee, where he and I spent many treasured hours in the quiet evenings, with only the sound of crickets and an occasional car passing by on the highway.
Whatever the reasons, I find porches irresistible. I hope you have at least one to enjoy at present, or in memory. Save me a glass of iced tea and a seat in the swing!
Everyone belongs
Friends gather to celebrate Matt’s birthday in August, 2009
No one is a stranger here.
Everyone belongs.
Finding our forgiveness here,
we in turn forgive all wrongs.
— Bryan J. Leech
On a recent Sunday during worship in northern Virginia, we sang one of my favorite songs before communion. A verse from the song is quoted above. Having entered the assembly that day feeling burdened with various worries and sorrows, the song touched me deeply and reminded me why we keep coming back to meet with other believers.
All of us want to belong. I can think of few things more painful than feeling excluded. One of the ways our younger son Matt has blessed us has been the way his presence opened our eyes to so much that we couldn’t fully see before, and among the things we’ve learned is the hard lesson of how sad it is to feel excluded.
Seeing Matt largely disregarded by his nondisabled peers over the years has been a sorrow that stabs at the heart again and again each time it happens. Yet there is also consolation in the deep love of those who can see past the disabilities to treasure the unique person Matt is, and patience with those who aren’t quite there yet, but are trying to get past their obvious discomfort with anything that is not typical. It’s easier to be patient as we recognize that we, too, have excluded others, often without intending to do so.
I’ve heard people admonish others that forgiveness is its own reward; that holding onto our anger or grudges does more damage to us than it does to the objects of our hard feelings. I agree with this totally. But forgiveness is important for other reasons as well. Forgiveness teaches us patience and understanding. It implies humility, as this quote suggests, and the realization that we cannot expect the forgiveness of others until we are willing to offer it ourselves. This humility is what transforms a group of diverse people into a family where everyone belongs.
This kind of relationship with others is more easily talked about than practiced, of course. It’s an ideal for which we strive, but as with so many desirable traits, we often fall short of what we are striving for. I think the important thing is to keep trying, keep opening our hearts to others, keep reminding ourselves that what unites us is greater than what divides us.
That is the spirit that I hope to maintain on this blog, and I sincerely appreciate all the wonderful and supportive comments of those who visit us here. I hope that all who read this blog will find something helpful. My gratitude goes out to all who take the time to stop by. If you are seeking optimism, hope, and a spirit of gratitude, respect and caring, YOU BELONG!
You wouldn’t be ashamed
I photographed these parrots at Disney World, where they tactfully refrained from speaking. August 2003
“So live that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.”
— Will Rogers
We don’t have a family parrot, but we have something a bit more risky: a son with an exceptional auditory memory (which tested at the level of a 13-year-old when he was in kindergarten) and a love of repeating things that he hears. Matt also has the knack of unintentionally leaving out relevant parts of the story in such a way as to confuse or mislead his listeners. Suffice it to say that we’ve become somewhat careful about what we say around him!
Still, he has always known, even from a very young age, not to repeat certain words. When we moved to Hawaii in 1993, he was only seven years old. On the airplane he was seated next to a woman who had more than a bit too much to drink, and she struck up a conversation with Matt. Unfortunately, her language was not rated PG or even PG-13, and Jeff eventually called a halt to the conversation emphatically enough that her offensive language dried up immediately. We worried for a time that we might hear Matt repeating some of the vulgar or profane words she said, but we never did.
In any case, Rogers has some sound advice here. Even if no one else hears the things we say, we hear them, and we have no business filling our own ears with what doesn’t bear repeating. Let’s practice saying only things that are useful, good, positive, uplifting, kind, honest or otherwise commendable. Some of us will have a much harder time with this than others (I plead guilty!!!) but we will enjoy our own company more if we master this discipline.
SO, what’s happening with you today? Tell me something good!
In a garden
Yet another beautiful Canadian garden. Halifax, Nova Scotia, September 2007
The kiss of the sun for pardon
The song of the birds for mirth
One is nearer God’s heart in the garden
Than anywhere else on earth
— Dorothy Gurney
I don’t know what it is about Canada, whether it’s the climate or the eagerness for warm weather or the souls of its people, but I see many of the most beautiful gardens in the world in that country. Lucky USA, to have such talented gardeners as next-door neighbors!
It may help that our neighbors to the north are spared the blistering heat that most of our states experience. By this time of the summer, some of our blooms have already faded in the withering temperatures. Fortunately, they are replaced by others that will keep things colorful until well into autumn. In Virginia, I’ve had begonias blooming as late as December.
What’s blooming in your neck of the woods right now? Which flowers are “on deck” for late summer and fall?
Whether you are a gifted gardener whose efforts bless everyone around you, or just an amateur such as I, tickled pink over every bloom that survives my blundering attempts, I hope you have lots of flowers to enjoy this year. Here’s to the talented neighbors and friends, as well as local parks, nurseries and greenhouses, who fill our summers with color!
Walk and be happy
Drew and Matt enjoy a walk in Laguna Beach, California, July 2004
“The sum of the whole is this: walk and be happy; walk and be healthy. The best way to lengthen out our days is to walk steadily and with a purpose.” — Charles Dickens
When I think about it, I’m surprised that this quote came from Charles Dickens. It sounds more like something we’d hear from Dr. Oz. I have this idea that during the years Dickens lived, people didn’t have much choice but to walk, unless they were wealthy enough to have horse-drawn carriages. I also wonder what Dickens and his contemporaries would have considered to be a long walk, or for that matter, what they would have thought of as a long life. I’m not sure what the average life expectancy was during those years, but Dickens wasn’t much older than I am now when he died. I wonder if he took his own advice.
In any case, I agree with what he says here. “Steadily and with a purpose” doesn’t necessarily imply going somewhere practical such as the post office or grocery store, although I find it especially satisfying if I can exercise and save gasoline at the same time. Often, my purpose is to clear my mind, enjoy a cool summer evening, or take some photos. Since I always seem to be short on time, the “steadily” part takes care of itself.
What are your favorite reasons for walking? Whatever they are, I hope that health and happiness are among the destinations you reach on foot!
Stand quietly before them
The statues of the six continents at the Esplanade du Musée d’Orsay, Paris, September 2005
“We should comport ourselves with the masterpieces of art as with exalted personages– stand quietly before them and wait till they speak to us.”
— Arthur Schopenhauer
Whenever I visit an art gallery or museum, especially a large one such as my favorite, the Musée d’Orsay in Paris, I’m torn between wanting to rush through and see it all, or take the time to really study and enjoy just a few works. Since time is always limited when travelling far from home, I usually end up doing a bit of both, promising myself I’ll come back someday and spend more time there.
In this, as in so many other areas, we are tremendously fortunate to live in the digital age, when we can call up precise and detailed photographs of virtually every work in every museum with a website, as well as many privately held collections and lesser-known works of art shared online by their creators. While such works inevitably lose much in translation to two-dimensional images, we still have the chance to grow familiar with them and appreciate them from a distance, rendered in amazing detail that enables zooming in and studying the minutiae closely.
However, nothing will ever replace being able to see an original work of art, up close and in person. I hope you will make some time, near your home or on vacation, to enjoy great works in the many places they can be found: indoor collections and galleries, parks, city squares, churches, universities, and private homes. Next time you pass an intriguing sculpture or eye-catching painting, take a few minutes to stand quietly and listen. What do you hear?
To become a grandparent
Ryan’s wife Marlea snapped this photo of their children, Kate and Everett,
with my parents enjoying their great and grand blessings
“To become a grandparent is to enjoy one of the few pleasures in life for which the consequences have already been paid.” — Robert Brault
My nephew Ryan sent me this photo recently and I loved it instantly. Since Jeff and I will soon be grandparents for the first time, I thought a post about grandchildren might be in order. But since I’ve never yet been a grandparent, I know the relationship best from the standpoint of the grandchild.
I remember laughing at Bill Cosby saying all of us are still alive today because of our grandparents. While that may be a slight exaggeration, there is something delightfully carefree about the relationship between children and their parents’ parents. Grandparents are a continual reminder that Mom and Dad were once kids, and they often have archives of ancient-looking photos and stories to prove it.
They have other interesting things, too, and don’t mind if you prowl around in their stuff and ask lots of questions. They will often play games your parents don’t have time for, or laugh at things your parents might fuss about. They might sneak treats to you that your parents wouldn’t let you have. No doubt about it, there’s something slightly subversive about grandparents. But in a good way.
Jeff and I were blessed with loving grandparents whose influence has lasted far beyond their time here on earth. We miss them, and hope that we will be able to live up to the examples they left us, providing loyalty, laughter and love that will never die.
Designed by nature
The beautiful cannonball tree has many medicinal uses. Barbados, March 2010
“The marvelous pharmacy that was designed by nature and placed into our being by the universal architect produces most of the medicines we need.” — Norman Cousins
One of the first things I did after Jeff got his stage IV cancer diagnosis was request that he read a book first published in 1979: Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient: Reflections on Healing and Regeneration by Norman Cousins. I read this book decades ago, and it would not be an exaggeration to say that it has been one of the biggest influences in my life. In fact, it may be indirectly responsible for my decision to start this blog.
Cousins’ work, which has become a classic, deals with a variety of interesting considerations regarding health care and how we view disease. I read the book long before I could have known how much of my life would be consumed with visiting doctors, staying in hospitals and otherwise managing the medical aspects of our younger son’s disabilities. While none of the details of Cousins’ devastating diagnosis are related to Matt’s genetic condition or Jeff’s recent challenges, the underlying message of patient responsibility and empowerment has been crucial in navigating the often intimidating journey through serious and chronic illness.
Today it is not uncommon to find physicians and other medical professionals discussing and acknowledging the powerful medicinal benefits of such factors as creativity, laughter, holistic healing, and the placebo effect. It was far less common when Cousins set out on his own largely self-designed and non-traditional path for battling his illness, emerging victorious and lighting the way for countless others to follow.
Today I hope we will resolve to work in harmony with the many providers and natural paths to wellness that are available to all of us. If we tap into the amazing, God-given powers of mental, emotional and spiritual health to improve our physical health, we can greatly decrease our suffering and improve our quality of life, however long or short our time on earth may be.
Connected to something bigger
The Bavarian Alps, viewed from Garmisch-Partenkirchen, August 2005
“When everything around you is changing, turn to the part of you that doesn’t change, that is calm, centered, and connected to something bigger.”
— Ariane de Bonvoisin
Churchgoing people are accustomed to hearing various metaphors for faith. It’s spoken of as an anchor, a rock, a fortress, and a shield. It’s described as “the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen.” All these images take on new meaning when crisis overtakes what used to be normal life.
As change, sorrow, fear and chaos swirl around us, it’s easy for all that matters most to get tossed away. It helps to have these images to ground us. We hold fast with gritted teeth and closed eyes, sensing the unseen foundation beneath us. Our spirits are strengthened by the intangible but real presence of others who are standing with us, in prayer, hope, faith and courage. The connection to something bigger than all our troubles can sustain us, as it has before and will again.
My gratitude goes out to all of you who are in that company whose presence we feel and cherish. I wish for all who visit here today a time of contemplative awareness of that calm, centered connection.
When I am laughing
Matt and Drew laugh it up with their cousin Emily, 1988
“I love myself when I am laughing…” — Zora Neale Hurston
Do you have memories of times when you laughed until you cried? Or when you simply couldn’t stop laughing? We used to call this “getting our tickle box turned over” but whatever it is called, it’s wonderful. In such a state, almost everything that is even mildly comical suddenly seems uproariously funny.
In childhood these times often happened when we were supposed to be quiet. There’s nothing like trying to suppress a laugh to make it irresistible.
Hurston’s quote has a double meaning to me. I agree that we never feel better about ourselves than when we are laughing, even if we are laughing at ourselves! I also think that one of the best ways we show love to ourselves is by getting a good quota of deep, giddy laughter now and then. Research has shown that laughter really is good medicine for most of what ails us.
If you haven’t had a good laugh in a long time, make it a point to watch a funny video (the old movie What’s Up Doc is one of my favorites), or check out Dave Barry’s blog, or enjoy the cartoons of Roz Chast. We are blessed to have endless sources of humor; I hope you will laugh today!
A physical manifestation
If The Picture of Dorian Gray was about my house, it might look like this shop in St. Louis.
April 2008
“Clutter is a physical manifestation of fear that cripples our ability to grow.”
— H.G. Chissell
From scanning the magazine titles on every newsstand, I know I’m not the only one who has a problem with clutter. I understand there are entire television shows devoted to documenting hoarders who are so much worse than the average viewer that they are weirdly reassuring to watch. But it seems most people have at least a little trouble with throwing things away, and I have a bigger problem with it than almost anyone I know of.
Years ago I read that the tendency to hold on to things is largely a fear-based behavior, which makes a lot of sense to me. I hold onto things because I’m afraid. I fear that I’ll forget an interesting person or happy memory associated with a card or gift, or I’ll someday need the object I ought to toss, or I’ll forget that I got rid of it and waste time looking for it later (yes, I really do that sort of thing, even more so as I get older).
Print addict that I am, I hoard reading material most of all. It’s a real struggle for me to throw away a newspaper or magazine I haven’t read. Jeff is coaching me to skim more and read less, but I seldom manage to do that. I have come to the realization that I have enough unread books, magazines and digital reading material that I could read all the time for the rest of my life and not run out. Still, it’s hard for me to resist the urge to subscribe to a magazine at a giveaway rate, or pass up a gorgeous, like-new book at a library sale (after all, the money goes to support the library, right?) 🙂
In other words, “my name is Julia and I have a problem with clutter.” But I’m in recovery. I am learning to relish the act of cleaning out and freeing up space. I get a big kick out of donating boxes full of very good, barely used things to Goodwill. I love sending a nice book to someone who requests it through the wonderful Paperback Swap site (scroll down to see a link at bottom right). I’ve even managed to pitch my most comfortable walking shoes or t-shirts or jeans that are growing shamefully threadbare. Okay, I’ve pitched SOME of them. It helps that cleaning and tossing really does do wonders for my mood. Now, if I could just keep those shelves, counters and closets EMPTY for a while…
I love blogs such as Organized at Heart and Flylady and Simplify 101, along with many others, all of which are full of tips, fun ideas, and understanding. The only downside is that it’s tempting to spend more time reading than cleaning out! What are your best clutter-clearing secrets? Send me some ideas to keep me on the wagon!
Graceful, varied and enchanting
A butterfly brightens the Conservatory of Flowers in San Francisco, October 2003
“Beautiful and graceful, varied and enchanting, small but approachable, butterflies lead you to the sunny side of life. And everyone deserves a little sunshine.”
— Jeffrey Glassberg
Flowers are not only attractive and fragrant; they also draw butterflies to add even more beauty to our lives. When I was a child I was tempted to catch them, but soon learned from experience that this was not a good thing to do. Now I try to catch them with my camera lens, a trick that is sometimes quite a challenge, but leaves the butterflies unharmed.
Something about the fluttery movement of butterfly wings fits perfectly with the appeal of a garden in bloom. It’s as if the sight of their nearly weightless agility lightens our moods, lifting our spirits with a sense of freedom and fun. Next time you see a butterfly dancing about, take a minute or two to enjoy its air show. I wish you sunshine today!
The best kind of friend
The back porch of the Nocking Point, my parents’ lakefront cabin, in May 2003
“The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.” — Author Unknown
As much as I enjoy talking (OK, no wisecracks here) I have to admit that an amiable silence is also one of the benefits of close friendship and love. With the people we feel closest to, we never need to force conversation. Often we know, or can make a good guess, what the other person is thinking. Sometimes we even say the same thing at the same time. But when we are comfortable with someone, just being with them is enough.
During late childhood and early adolescence, my friend Beth and I used to read different books silently together for hours, especially in summertime. We’d go to the library and check out our maximum number of books, then just sit, read, and swap books when we finished. When Beth’s friend Joyce would visit from Ohio in the summer, she would join us for the book reading and swapping. Although we often discussed books with enthusiasm, that wasn’t always necessary. The shared enjoyment of being lost in a book was enough.
During the hottest days of the year, I hope you will find time to be a bit lazy and enjoy sitting on a porch some cool evening with someone you like or love. Iced tea, books, magazines or conversation are optional extras. May your summer included at least a few of these memorable moments of silent conversation!
A big journey
With them on the journey: Jeff and our sons in Victoria, British Columbia, 1993
“Childhood isn’t just something we ‘get through.’ It’s a big journey, and it’s one we’ve all taken. Most likely, though, we’ve forgotten how much we had to learn along the way about ourselves and others.” — Fred Rogers
One of the most sobering things about being around children is the realization that everything we do teaches them something, whether we intend it or not. It’s been my experience (backed by research) that children imitate the actions of adults far more than they listen to their words. This is the reason Fred Rogers was determined to make children’s television his personal ministry.
Do you ever get annoyed with yourself? I do, and I frequently berate myself aloud when I lose something or miss an exit or spill something messy. “I am so stupid! Why did I do that?” I somehow had the idea that it was OK to call myself stupid, even if I should never do that to anyone else. But one day as I was chastising myself in front of my sons, I had a horrifying realization: I am teaching my children how they should treat themselves if they make a mistake.
I wish I could say this taught me to keep my mouth shut; it didn’t. At least it did cause me to think more about what I said and did while children were watching. All of us, whether we are parents or not, have the opportunity to change the world in small ways every time we give children an example of behavior that is healthy, respectful, compassionate and honest. We are their unofficial guides through the journey of childhood. Let’s do our best to lead them in helpful and happy ways.
Unless we share
Sharing scenery and snacks in Venice, June 2008
“…pleasure has no relish unless we share it.” – Virginia Woolf
I’ve written a good bit about the joys of solitude, but enjoyment is almost always better when it is shared with others. I think that’s one reason most people like traveling with companions; it’s much more fun when there is someone along who understands your excitement.
I believe blogging has taken off and become widespread because it gives everyday people the chance to share with others, and discover like-minded writers and readers all over the world. It’s reassuring to find out someone else feels the same way we do about something, and energizing to discuss our enthusiasms among those with similar hobbies, beliefs or interests. The world seems friendlier and more connected when we share with each other.
Whatever you have planned today, I hope you make some time to share with someone in person, online or by phone or letter. It’s a great way to divide the sorrows and multiply the joys!
Defeat Despair 